May General Meeting
Redefine Mental Strength, Ductility is Incredible
On Thursday, May 16, 2024, over 70 members of the Columbus Apartment Association met at Brookside Country Club for the second General Membership Meeting of the year featuring former Ohio State Football player Harry Miller who documented his mental health struggles and his journey to wellness.
CAA Executive Director Laura Swanson welcomed members, introduced new members in attendance and recognized former President’s and Hall of Fame members. Before introducing Miller, Swanson highlighted May as Mental Health Awareness month and outlined resources and avenues for education and assistance whether it be in one’s work or personal lives. After a brief outline of Miller’s history, she welcomed him to the podium.
Miller started his sophomore year during COVID, has played in a Big Ten Championship and a National Championship against Alabama. Entering his junior year, he was projected to be the starting Center with an expectation of winning the Remington Trophy for the best Center in college football. Agents began to reach out with projections of multi-million-dollar contracts, fame, glory, and riches as he entered off-season training. Recovering from off-season surgery, he’s stronger and faster than before, camp went well, and Miller just missed out on being named Captain. However, just prior to the season, Miller sat on his couch, in a moment that felt like it came from nowhere facing the stressors of college football, criticism and the expectations of others, he felt the infrastructure of his mental heal collapsing, again. Miller had his first experience of mental illness at the age of seven, when he brought the topic up to his mother. He began to get treatment from psychologists and psychiatrists over his childhood and improved tremendously, he was a valedictorian and a five-star recruit.
Recognizing it wasn’t sudden, but a long-term creep, Miller called his mother and tells her he’s suicidal and he can’t do what everyone wants him to do.
“It was a terrifying notion, something incredibly difficult to admit, because I had spent the majority of my life, my entire conscious life, pursuing the goal of becoming a professional football player. Everything I’d done in my life had been to achieve this thing,” Miller said. “And, on its doorstep, I was telling my mom ‘I can’t do this’ at least not right now. It was a very terrifying step to take, but it was a step that was less intense, less of a leap than committing suicide, so I talked to my mom.”
That conversation led to a conversation with Ohio State Football Coach Ryan Day where Miller admitted his struggles, right before practice, a week before the season. Miller continued to practice after telling him of his experience. Day had the wherewithal to recognize that something was wrong and tell Miller to figure out what he needed to do to be well. Thus, starting Miller on a regimen of sports psychology and psychiatry and applying real attention to the issue he thought he could ‘out man, out tough and out smart.’
“It was my hubris, thinking I was Summa Cum Laud, a Rhodes finalist and I could bench whatever, squat whatever and I played football at Ohio State, I was thinking that I could outmaneuver and out leverage mental illness,” Miller said. “But I couldn’t, it required direct effort, real effort, humbling effort and I spent months with sport psychologists and psychiatrists and eventually came to the decision that I can’t play football anymore, which felt like a metaphorical suicide in itself because I didn’t know a version of myself where I didn’t play football. I was about to give all of that up right when all of the agents and coaches were telling me how great I would be.”
Miller retired in March of 2022 and has since taken the time to speak about his issues, feeling he was the perfect person to have this happen because the issue is experienced by a lot of people and when they bring up the issue it’s easy to point out faults to de-legitimize the issue. It’s a real issue that doesn’t care if you’re smart or you’re strong, or if you’re fast to think that it can’t happen to you. Everyone deals with it in some respect, if not themselves, someone they know personally.
Focusing on passion and compassion to shed light, he notes that passion evokes an intense feeling, a positive connotation, which he thought was peculiar because that word also is used in the Passion of the Christ, which seemed an odd use to Miller, studying the etymology of the word coming from the Latin posse, which means suffering. Though it’s taken on a modern context of a joyful, exuberant feeling of a subject, it’s based on suffering and being willing to take on an extreme amount of pain for something. Similarly, the word compassion usually gets inflated to mean sharing joy or love with someone, means sharing suffering with someone. Miller believes that is love, to share and to take a burden from someone. Compassion requires no talent outside of the giving party, it requires no extreme knowledge, in knowing how to love, all it requires is some knowledge in suffering, which everyone has. Everyone is incredibly equipped to be compassionate.
“Redefine the notion of mental strength, it is the wrong attribute we should aspire to have in regards to our mentality. Ceramics are incredibly strong, stronger and harder than metal, but we make no bridges out of them. We make bridges out of metal, because metals are ductile, they can bend and are resilient. When you place a metal under stress it can return to its original form,” Miller stated. “I would like to implore, if there are people here who are as frightful as I was when I started this journey, it’s not a question of strength, it’s about how much you can take and not budge, because if we made bridges out of ceramics it would collapse. With a bridge made out of metal you can see its deformation, you can address it, you can fix it, you can improve its structure. Most people prize themselves in their strength, I commend you in your strength as well, but also know that ductility is an incredible attribute, do not be afraid to bend or ask for help, find a support service, that’s what the world is built on, to deform and show you need help.”
Miller moved on to questions from the audience speaking directly to what factors to look for if one isn’t willing to ask for help. How to work with high achieving individuals and the pressures and stresses they experience. He outlined how isolating it is to go through the experience without people knowing what he was going through, including manufacturing injuries. Miller is hopeful by speaking about his experience there’s more introspection before speculation, noting that his life was full of speculators telling him how much his life was worth, how great he could be, and it was an extremely isolating feeling when in reality he was winging it and terrified almost all the time. Once communication is started, the biggest hurdle is cleared, and inertia is ready to take over.
“If you’re a high achieving depressed person, that’s the most dangerous, because you can window dress your issues with all this other stuff, you can say ‘of course I’m not depressed I’m doing this, I’m making money, my bench is stronger than it’s ever been, I’m fantastic,’” Miller said. “I was going between suicide attempts to taking exams within 24 hours and getting 100s because I had compartmentalized myself so stringently, that’s when it becomes exceptionally dangerous, then you make a stranger out of yourself. It’s easy to put more things on your plate so you don’t think about what’s going on, that’s why it feels like all at once something is going wrong.”
Miller embraces the role of talking about his experiences because he wants to save other people the trouble of trying to figure it out by themselves. It’s helping people find the threshold of decision making to get help versus choosing suicide. Sometimes, it’s a forceful, almost militant love required by someone to take care of someone in these situations.
Following the extensive round of question and answer Swanson returned to the podium to thank Miller for his time and thank members for attending while looking forward to seeing them at upcoming CAA events later this spring and fall.
CAA Executive Director Laura Swanson welcomed members, introduced new members in attendance and recognized former President’s and Hall of Fame members. Before introducing Miller, Swanson highlighted May as Mental Health Awareness month and outlined resources and avenues for education and assistance whether it be in one’s work or personal lives. After a brief outline of Miller’s history, she welcomed him to the podium.
Miller started his sophomore year during COVID, has played in a Big Ten Championship and a National Championship against Alabama. Entering his junior year, he was projected to be the starting Center with an expectation of winning the Remington Trophy for the best Center in college football. Agents began to reach out with projections of multi-million-dollar contracts, fame, glory, and riches as he entered off-season training. Recovering from off-season surgery, he’s stronger and faster than before, camp went well, and Miller just missed out on being named Captain. However, just prior to the season, Miller sat on his couch, in a moment that felt like it came from nowhere facing the stressors of college football, criticism and the expectations of others, he felt the infrastructure of his mental heal collapsing, again. Miller had his first experience of mental illness at the age of seven, when he brought the topic up to his mother. He began to get treatment from psychologists and psychiatrists over his childhood and improved tremendously, he was a valedictorian and a five-star recruit.
Recognizing it wasn’t sudden, but a long-term creep, Miller called his mother and tells her he’s suicidal and he can’t do what everyone wants him to do.
“It was a terrifying notion, something incredibly difficult to admit, because I had spent the majority of my life, my entire conscious life, pursuing the goal of becoming a professional football player. Everything I’d done in my life had been to achieve this thing,” Miller said. “And, on its doorstep, I was telling my mom ‘I can’t do this’ at least not right now. It was a very terrifying step to take, but it was a step that was less intense, less of a leap than committing suicide, so I talked to my mom.”
That conversation led to a conversation with Ohio State Football Coach Ryan Day where Miller admitted his struggles, right before practice, a week before the season. Miller continued to practice after telling him of his experience. Day had the wherewithal to recognize that something was wrong and tell Miller to figure out what he needed to do to be well. Thus, starting Miller on a regimen of sports psychology and psychiatry and applying real attention to the issue he thought he could ‘out man, out tough and out smart.’
“It was my hubris, thinking I was Summa Cum Laud, a Rhodes finalist and I could bench whatever, squat whatever and I played football at Ohio State, I was thinking that I could outmaneuver and out leverage mental illness,” Miller said. “But I couldn’t, it required direct effort, real effort, humbling effort and I spent months with sport psychologists and psychiatrists and eventually came to the decision that I can’t play football anymore, which felt like a metaphorical suicide in itself because I didn’t know a version of myself where I didn’t play football. I was about to give all of that up right when all of the agents and coaches were telling me how great I would be.”
Miller retired in March of 2022 and has since taken the time to speak about his issues, feeling he was the perfect person to have this happen because the issue is experienced by a lot of people and when they bring up the issue it’s easy to point out faults to de-legitimize the issue. It’s a real issue that doesn’t care if you’re smart or you’re strong, or if you’re fast to think that it can’t happen to you. Everyone deals with it in some respect, if not themselves, someone they know personally.
Focusing on passion and compassion to shed light, he notes that passion evokes an intense feeling, a positive connotation, which he thought was peculiar because that word also is used in the Passion of the Christ, which seemed an odd use to Miller, studying the etymology of the word coming from the Latin posse, which means suffering. Though it’s taken on a modern context of a joyful, exuberant feeling of a subject, it’s based on suffering and being willing to take on an extreme amount of pain for something. Similarly, the word compassion usually gets inflated to mean sharing joy or love with someone, means sharing suffering with someone. Miller believes that is love, to share and to take a burden from someone. Compassion requires no talent outside of the giving party, it requires no extreme knowledge, in knowing how to love, all it requires is some knowledge in suffering, which everyone has. Everyone is incredibly equipped to be compassionate.
“Redefine the notion of mental strength, it is the wrong attribute we should aspire to have in regards to our mentality. Ceramics are incredibly strong, stronger and harder than metal, but we make no bridges out of them. We make bridges out of metal, because metals are ductile, they can bend and are resilient. When you place a metal under stress it can return to its original form,” Miller stated. “I would like to implore, if there are people here who are as frightful as I was when I started this journey, it’s not a question of strength, it’s about how much you can take and not budge, because if we made bridges out of ceramics it would collapse. With a bridge made out of metal you can see its deformation, you can address it, you can fix it, you can improve its structure. Most people prize themselves in their strength, I commend you in your strength as well, but also know that ductility is an incredible attribute, do not be afraid to bend or ask for help, find a support service, that’s what the world is built on, to deform and show you need help.”
Miller moved on to questions from the audience speaking directly to what factors to look for if one isn’t willing to ask for help. How to work with high achieving individuals and the pressures and stresses they experience. He outlined how isolating it is to go through the experience without people knowing what he was going through, including manufacturing injuries. Miller is hopeful by speaking about his experience there’s more introspection before speculation, noting that his life was full of speculators telling him how much his life was worth, how great he could be, and it was an extremely isolating feeling when in reality he was winging it and terrified almost all the time. Once communication is started, the biggest hurdle is cleared, and inertia is ready to take over.
“If you’re a high achieving depressed person, that’s the most dangerous, because you can window dress your issues with all this other stuff, you can say ‘of course I’m not depressed I’m doing this, I’m making money, my bench is stronger than it’s ever been, I’m fantastic,’” Miller said. “I was going between suicide attempts to taking exams within 24 hours and getting 100s because I had compartmentalized myself so stringently, that’s when it becomes exceptionally dangerous, then you make a stranger out of yourself. It’s easy to put more things on your plate so you don’t think about what’s going on, that’s why it feels like all at once something is going wrong.”
Miller embraces the role of talking about his experiences because he wants to save other people the trouble of trying to figure it out by themselves. It’s helping people find the threshold of decision making to get help versus choosing suicide. Sometimes, it’s a forceful, almost militant love required by someone to take care of someone in these situations.
Following the extensive round of question and answer Swanson returned to the podium to thank Miller for his time and thank members for attending while looking forward to seeing them at upcoming CAA events later this spring and fall.
